[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
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*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
My 5 year old is looking all over the house for his drumsticks but he won’t have any luck finding them without a shovel.
This Coke-Pepsi debate makes me laugh sometimes. It’s frigging cola. Who cares?
Says the guy who is horrified that people like Skippy peanut butter when there’s Jif.
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
[hears baby crying in the next room]
“It’s ok, I’ll go.”
[gets in car & goes to a motel]
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
Remember, you can always call your senator and leave a bloodcurdling scream.
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
Her: She’s too young for you.
Me: Based on what?
Her: Based on the number of times the Earth has orbited the sun since she was born..
Me:
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
i wish someone just lost their shit over me like a rooster does the sunrise.
This lady just ordered a turkey sub with no bread & the deli lady said, “so you want a salad?” The lady said, “no, a sub without bread.” So to be annoying I asked for a salad just like hers. If looks could kill, I wouldn’t be telling y’all this.
My husband washed the dog with my expensive shampoo again. I sure hope that crate is big enough for both of them to sleep in tonight.
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
Mark Wahlberg will star in 6 films over the next 14 months meanwhile Donnie Wahlberg just placed 7th in a Donnie Wahlberg look alike contest