[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
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[First day as a detective]
Me *pouring a drink*: let’s play never have I ever
Murder suspect:
Me: never have I ever shot a guy
Suspect:
Me: never have I killed guy… even by accident? *nudges their drink closer*
Suspect: dude stop
Me: *mouthing* ᵀᵃᵏᵉ ᵃ ˢᶦᵖ
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
I wear a French maid’s outfit specifically to get OUT of doing housework.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
We’re all controlled by the bots and algorithms. Except you, your thoughts and opinions are completely original. 🙂
My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.
One minute she’s saying “put yourself in my shoes” and the next it’s all “well you’ve gone and ruined them now, you idiot”
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I know it’s illegal to launder money, so I’ve decided to stop doing laundry entirely. Just to be on the safe side.
#catsoftwitter
My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
[gently waking my mom] I cut my hair like He-Man’s
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
mechanics be like
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
NASA has no chill
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email