[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
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“OMG! We broke up years ago. Which was, like, 100% your choice. And I’m still the first thing you talk about. To. Like. Everyone.”
— Gluten
If I ever had to turn myself in for a crime I would tell the cops I could describe the perpetrator and then see how long it took the sketch artist to figure it out
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
my dog when its nice out: *jumps in pond, rolls in dirt, eats goose poo*
when raining: MADAM how DARE u take me into these AWFUL conditions
me: it is lonely at the top.
therapist: yes, but why is it written under ‘ describe your sex life?’
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
sometimes i don’t spot my typos until it’s toilet
[couch shopping]
Wife: Eh, you married to it?
*a bead of sweat trickles down my brow as I hope she doesn’t notices the couch’s wedding ring*
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
If you care about someone,
even a little bit.
I beg of you.
Please.
TELL THEM WHEN THEY HAVE SOMETHING IN THEIR TEETH.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
[demon possessing me is forcing me to walk into a chapel]
Me: are you breaking up with me?!
Demon: no- wait, do you actually think we’re a couple?
Me: *shyly blushing* well, you are inside of me
Demon: why are you this way
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Judge: If you think I’m buying your insanity defense, you’re CRAZY.
Defendant: *smiles*
Judge: Dammit! You’re free to go. 3rd one this week.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
I keep hearing about kids accidentally dying from trying to get an asphyxiation high.
What happened to drugs, kids?! We still have drugs!