Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
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[Arby’s]
BRO [jumping into car]: GO
ME: it’s lunch, not a bank heist
B: they put EXTRA CURLY FRIES in the bag
M: OMG I’m too pretty for jail
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Worst Native American name ever.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
Me: The company moved.
I: Where?
M: They didn’t tell me.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I’m not sure how she can be your favorite if you don’t even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She’s 5.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
Never forget.
Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!
Farmer: Yes I did
Farmer’s second head: WE did
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.
i woke up haunted by when a girl DMed me on here to say “how do u know my bf”. i said “we’re just mutuals. i don’t really know him”. she responded and said “well i read all of ur DMs to him”. i went to look at my DMs with him and they were us going back and forth ranking seltzer
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now