Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
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WHAT DO WE WANT!!!
A cure for hangovers
WHEN DO WE WANT IT!!!
Please stop yelling
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
14: Mom, you’re like the youngest mom in my grade. So how far apart are we in age?
Me: I had you when I was 24.
14: So we’re like 10 years apart.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Pigeons imply the existence of pigcenturies and pigmillennia.
Her: Are you getting off early today?
Me: THAT HAPPENED ONE TIME!
date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Person: trust me, I know a thing or two
Me: (untrustingly) that’s really not an impressive number of things to know
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy