[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?

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5-year-old: Why don’t we say Grace?

Me: I don’t know.



5-year-old: Is it because your cooking makes God angry?


I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.


I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”


Wife: You’re shirtless?
W: And covered in…oil?
-Well, you know how you always say I never glisten?
W: Listen. You never listen.


Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.


Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”


coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween

me: ur mom

coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–

me: matthew u never call


Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”


My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.