[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
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We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
I’m fine, doctor. My heart rate was elevated because I was thinking about tacos
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn’t want to waste time on things that don’t matter.
He runs Facebook.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Me: I prefer telling outside jokes.
Coworker: Don’t you mean inside jokes?
Me: Not to you
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
coworker offered me a distressed bookshelf, like wtf did he do to that poor thing
Him: Don’t make this weird.
Me: Then why am I even here?
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
In an effort to be more health conscious I’ve quit eating Reese’s bats and switched to the pumpkins instead
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
every single time
it started as a virus but mutated into an IQ test
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
Storming out is far less effective when your innate politeness forced you to hold the door open for the person behind you.
A guy on Catfish dated a girl for 4 years despite only seeing ONE picture of her. I wouldn’t buy a futon on Craigslist with only one pic.