Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
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I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Spent 5 minutes enjoying the smoothest shave of my life before realizing I forgot to take the plastic cover off the razor.
what’s really going on
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
I told my sons that we used to have to ask girls out and even break up face to face and the look of horror on their faces was priceless.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
LONELY OPTIMUS PRIME: *hires a ford escort service*
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
ME: The irony is it’d be harder to identify the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if they didn’t wear masks
MAN AT URINAL: I didn’t say anything
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
This is my pinned tweet
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
Doing best/worst parts of our day at dinner w 3yo:
Him: The best part of my day was-
Me (Came into his preschool class to read to them today): yeah?
Him: Watching TV.
Me: Oh, ok.
Him: Wait! No! I just remembered!
Me: yeah???
Him: When I got the ketchup from the fridge.
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
[guy glaring at me because he wants my parking spot]
*adds 72,000 hours to the meter*
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.