Calling peoples opinions of me “fan theories “
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Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
I have a problem with gingerbread people living in houses made of their flesh, but I promised not to bring it up and ruin Christmas again this year.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
If I had two brownies, I’d give you one
little corner off of one
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Nothing gets me hotter than seeing those three little words. “Out for delivery.”
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
My condolences to all the pets called stupid names.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
If you blast Foreigner’s “I Want To Know What Love Is”, the naked old guys in the gym locker room cover up pretty damn quick.
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
My son is suspended?
Yes, in-school suspension.
So he goes to school?
Yes, but he’s suspended.
Suspended IN THE SCHOOL?
Yes.
Idiot.
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery