Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
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Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
reduce, reuse, recycle
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
Top 3 times you should never play with a woman’s hair:
1) When she’s angry.
2) Just had a haircut.
3) If you don’t know her.
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
I’m not sure how many biscuits it takes to be happy, but so far it’s not twenty seven.
By the time he entered rehab, Popeye was more spinach than sailor man.
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Insomnia: Wanna see a magic trick?
Me: No
Insomnia: Cmon, you know you do
Me: Fine
Insomnia: Think of a number between 1 and 10,000
Me: Ok
Insomnia: Is it 1?
Me: No
Insomnia: Is it 2?
Me: …No
Insomnia: 3?
Me: …I hate you
Insomnia: Don’t tell me. Is it 4?
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
55 burgers 55 fries 55 tacos 55 fries 55 cokes 100 tater tots 100 pizzas 100 tenders 100 meatballs 100 coffees 55 wings 55 shakes 55 pancakes 55 pastas 55 peppers and 155 taters
[first time skydiving]
Me: LET’S GOOOOO- *jumps out*
Instructor (staring at me laying on the concrete): Plane hasn’t taken off yet
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”