[call]
MOM: please be safe in the snowstorm.
ME: idgaf about snow i’m a gangster.
MOM: what?
ME: i said thanks for calling i love you.
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Nobody was healthier than my vegan, gluten-free friend Chad until the day that baby squirrel beat him to death.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
My dog sets an impossible bar on how to greet my wife when she comes home.
“You gotta keep ’em separated!” -the dude from the Offspring whenever he’s doing laundry.
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
I tried plant based mashed potatoes last night. It was really great – tasted like the real thing.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Pepper spray but with glitter in it lol
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
Every damn time
I don’t go camping. I can’t sleep at night knowing I locked my front door with a zipper.
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
ME: i’m only afraid of two things: public speaking and ghosts
[later, on stage]
CROWD: BOOOOOOOO
ME: oh no
I borrowed $500 from a co-worker then paid a homeless guy $8 to kill him in a McDonald’s bathroom. I’m up $405 or whatever.