[calls 911]
Me: my wife’s been bitten by a snake
Operator: ok, suck the poison out
Me [whispering]: dude there’ll be nothing left of her
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[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
I buy reverse osmosis filtered alkaline water for my dog and he prefers to drink out of the lake.
wife: that’s a turtle with our daughter’s face on it
me: I searched the whole casino
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
Doctor: Questions?
Me: How do I know if my baby is a raptor?
Him:
Me
Him: She’s a baby
Me: That’s what a raptor would want me to think.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
ST BERNARD DOG: [getting ready for work] Honey have you seen my barrel?
WIFE: Which one?
SBD: The little one I wear AROUND MY NECK EVERY DAY
Me: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of coffee
Coworker: But you don’t drink coffee
Me: *stares at them until they leave
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
They’re called werewolves.
“Owen, you must hide this baby from Anakin Skywalker at all costs.”
“Okay. Should we continue to call him Luke Skywalker?”
“That’s cool.”
He said he wants to be my Sugar Daddy, and I thought awesome, I love cookies.
I went to bed last night and my brother came out of the closet and scared the shit out of me, I forgot we were playing hide and seek…
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Being in the friend zone is like an employer turning you down for a job, then calling you regularly bitching about the person they did hire.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?