[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
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guy: hey that’s a great truck. what kinda engine?
me: [rubbing the hood] it’s got a truck engine
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
Parents yelling “I’m not going to ask you again” at their kids, will definitely be asking them again
JUDGE: Where were you on the night of the robbery?
*flashback to me chilling at a Taylor Swift concert*
ME: *lips on mic* Doing crimes
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
When I dropped your baby, that was traumatic for me too. Maybe think about my feelings for once.
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
[speed date]
Hi i’m Rob, I like sports, classic rock and have an irrational fear of bees. What’s your name?
Abby
OH SHIT WHERE
I should’ve known inventing a boomerang with teeth would come back to bite me.
Ex bf: Would you give me a second chance for a Klondike bar?
Me: you can shove that square peg in your round hole.
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
8 just said we should get her mom “something to do with napping” for christmas “because she likes napping” and I’m not sure I’ll be able to protect her through this
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
My mom is terrified of how fast I drive on the freeway, so I’m preparing a soothing little playlist for when she comes to visit in a few weeks
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
It makes me a little sad that shaking a vending machine might be the closest I ever come to fighting a robot.
Her name is Virginia and she wants to write a massive check for your organization, but only if you add a ballet studio because she was a ballerina. Which is sweet, but you’re a food bank.
(Bedtime)
Me: You know you can ask me anything, buddy- it’s what I’m here for.
8: Do shrimps have necks? Like, could I chop a shrimp in the neck if I had to?
Me: …. Just go to sleep.
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
Like my mama always said, “May you be in heaven a full half hour before the devil knows you’re dead.”
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
[sliding $5 to the zookeeper]
Maybe one of those penguins ends up in my car?
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
pineapples would be so much better if they didn’t eat you back.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Hello! I’m really high sorry about my driving. I’m ready to order now.