[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
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Me: Quick question: Did you ask me to help raise your baby, or help “braise” your baby?
Her: Are you grilling something out back? That smells delicious
Me: Please answer my question first
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Every man was once a man trapped in a woman’s body.
Guys, if you want to make a girl moan, tremble, and scream: be a spider.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
*placing Trump & Hillary signs on my lawn
Neighbor: “Confused about who to vote for?”
Me: “What? No! I’m making a Halloween haunted house.”
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
[fraud trial]
Lawyer: is it true these numbers are all fake?
Defendant: no– they all actually exist
Judge: lol owned *high-5s defendant*
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.