[calls home]
son: hello
me: hi, put mom on the phone
son: I can’t
me: why
son: she’s too heavy
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They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
Never kick a porcupine wearing flip flops. Cause they’re obviously on vacation and why ruin their holiday?
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I kinda want one of those priest collar thingys. If it gets me through airport security fast AND keeps kids away from me. I’m in.
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)