*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
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If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
This picture says the only time the queen has ever used a knife before this moment, is to kill someone.
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
🌓🌎🌞 <– lunar eclipse
🌎🌓🌞 <– solar eclipse
🌎🌞🌗 <– apocalypse
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
Her: I can’t believe you’re leaving me. Is there someone else?
Me: I’ve told you, Brenda, I just really need to focus on my karate right now.
Her: But you’re 57 and a green belt.
Me: Exactly.
Only short people can save us
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
12 decided he’s into vinyl, so he got a record player for Christmas. His new name is DJ TURNITDOWN!
Cashier at the liquor store wished me “Happy Holidays”…
As if I’m not going to be back three more times before Christmas.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
{First Day at FedEx}
me: tosses crystal vase onto wrong porch from 30 ft away
manager: wow you’re a natural
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
Husband: “Did you eat the last cookie?”
Me: “The kids did.”
H: “Are you sure?”
Me: “What am I 5? I told you I didn’t eat it.”
H: ” Hey kids, did mommy eat the last cookie?”
Kids: “Yeah, and she ate it in the bathroom so we couldn’t get it.”
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest strength is, I want to say, “I push myself.”
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.