*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
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The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
When it comes to men’s sweatpants bring back Victorian era protocol: I really don’t wanna show you my ankles unless we’re married. Its downright indecent.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
The woman in the next chair is being quite rude to her hairstylist, so I can’t wait to see how the back of her hair turns out.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
Person: I like for people to spell out what they want.
Me: C-h-e-e-s-e.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
By the time you feel a butterfly under your heel, it’s already dead.
Consider it relationship advice.
Million dollar idea: a shirt made out of eyeglass cleaning cloth
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me