*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
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in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
New-to-school parent: I haven’t heard that — was it in one of the school emails?
Experienced parent: Oh I don’t know, don’t read those. Heard it from Becky whose neighbor’s sister-in-law works in the school office on Thursday mornings.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
[brainstorming movie scripts]
writer: a romantic comedy? guy sees girl in red dress and falls in-
stephen king: what if it’s an evil dress
Just realized I only had one meal today. One, thirteen-hour meal.
I’m in the other room and I hear my 3yo shout, “In your face, poop”. Then the toilet flushes. I would give anything to get that excited about pooping again.
Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
My mother: What color do you look good in?
Me: Not the one I’m wearing right now, apparently.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
This story is comedy gold 😂
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad