@CornOnTheGoblin

[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside

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@Mom_Overboard

Being a parent is kind of like being a Scooby Doo villain. I would’ve gotten away with so many things if it weren’t for these meddling kids.

@Lisabug74

I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.

@dmc1138

Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”

Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”

Me: “Pretty cool, right?”

@SondraDeeMe

As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.

@causticbob

Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.

@sarcasticmommy4

My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”

Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”

@simoncholland

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.