[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
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FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
We should probably abolish the death penalty since we don’t even get to throw rotten vegetables at people anymore
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
bias laundering edition
If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
The only time your man will surprise you is when you specifically tell him what you want.
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
[barbarians at the gate]
Me: I just need to let this song finish…
If sex with 3 people is a threesome and sex with 2 people is a twosome, now I understand why they call you handsome.
one time while we were eating dinner my uncle suddenly ran into our house & told us that he just ate a whole apple pie & needed to hide out for a few hours. a few minutes later a bunch of cop cars raced by
7-year-old: *using her tablet*
Me: You’re not doing your homework.
7: How did you know?
Me: You haven’t complained all morning.
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
I’ve got to go guys. Yesterday I bought a new shampoo that’s supposed to change my life.
15 just texted me that she was on her period and needed a chocolate bar.
How absorbent could a chocolate bar even be?!
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
My funeral instructions to my family were to have me cremated, and I told my best friends under no circumstances should I be cremated.
A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.