*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
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The fastest land animal is a cheetah, the fastest bird is a peregrine falcon, and the fastest human is my Mom when anyone tags me in anything on Facebook
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
BARTENDER: taste this beer
ME: [tastes it] omg i literally can’t even
BARTENDER: it has pumpkin spice in it
ME: hmm… yeah that explains it
I don’t get the objection to gays adopting.
Simba was adopted by two guys & I think everybody would agree he turned out to be quite badass.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Wife: Will you rub my back?
Me: No thanks, the last one just started sleeping through the night
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Eve: Wrong hole!
Adam: Sorry, it’s my first time. How do U know it’s the wrong hole? No one has done this before, it’s just us two you know
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
People who are complaining of shoveling driveways, haven’t you heard of moving?
Nutritionist: if you can’t pronounce the first ingredient on the label, you shouldn’t eat it
Me: ok
[at grocery store]
Me: *reading label* k-kw-kwi
Clerk: quinoa
Me: definitely not eating that
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
make parties more interesting by telling strangers “I want you to know that I personally have no problem with you being here”