Calls restaurant:
Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.
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if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
Think my wife is a little OCD since whenever I go out with the kids I need to come home with the exact same amount.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
Why don’t you make like a tree and grow big and strong bro
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Remember when we thought 2016 was a terrible year and wanted it to be over?
Good times.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I bought a ton of veggies from the farmer’s market and straightaway made some instant noodles cause life is all about balance.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My dad had a weird sense of humor. When I was 5, I tried to “dig a hole to China.” The next day when I went back to dig more, there were egg rolls in the hole
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
8 asked if I had to choose between not having him or not having chocolate for a whole week what would I do and I said I couldn’t believe he’d even ask me that and then I packed a bag for him and said I’d see him in a week
Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]
The heels stay on during sex because I only painted the toe nails that were showing.
One thing I have noticed about getting older is having to stop for a short nap halfway through scrolling down to my year of birth when completing online forms.
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken