*calls son at college*
Pop quiz, son
“Ok”
What’s the opposite of a hot dog
“Um…a cold cat?”
Exactly. Now let’s talk about Fluffy
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[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Snakes are more scared of us than we are of them
[watches snake drive off in my car with my wallet & phone]
I mean, not that one, but most
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
I must have been a raccoon in a former life. I started out cute and cuddly but the older I get the hairier and crazier I get.
Now I have a garbage pallet and I’ll probably hiss at you for touching my snacks.
I still like to cuddle though.
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
I made my preteen wear long pants in freezing weather this morning and subsequently ruined his “street cred”
I sometimes wonder if anyone I dated said yes because they were hungry
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
Hey girls: FYI, if you tilt the camera up just a wee bit higher you can actually get your face in the picture.
{at sports arena}
*kiss cam pans to me just as I take a huge bite of a hotdog
Me: *panics and seductively licks mustard off my lips.
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
when someone corrects my pronunciation of a word, my brain immediately snaps to how many polite people just nodded and let me sound dumb before
The boys I nanny for just asked me where I work and I didnt have the heart to tell them their parents pay me to hang out with them so now they think I work at Chili’s
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer
you know what ruined my childhood? children
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners