Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch

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“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.


I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.



A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up


Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.


Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Because of the ancient Roman literature puns?
Her: Yah
Me: But Aenid you


When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.


My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.

She’s eleven.

I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.


Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*

Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall

Me: What recall?


So I have one coworker who uses “irregardless” and another who uses “unappropriate” and now I’m over trying to conversate with these people.