Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

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My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.


I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.


It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.


“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said


Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.


I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.


Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.


Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”