Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
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It’s 2018, and Benjamin Button is still writing 2019 on his checks.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
[Pulled over]
Sir do you know how fast you were going?
MY DOG IS IN LABOR!
Oh! In that case *scribbles*
Here is a ticket for littering.
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
Friends with my exes? I’m barely friends with my friends.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
I only eat vegetarians.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
[jumps in getaway car after bank robbery]
“They said no I couldn’t have any money”
Damn it, they make it look so easy in the movies
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Many people make the mistake of assuming @funTweeters is a bot without realizing that there are clearly real human emotions at stake. Follow
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?