@Nawvernburd

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

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@TEXASVETERAN

My son asked me where babies come from. He so silly, babies are too young to come.

@JackMackenroth

I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.

Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

@NintenDom

It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.

@Versacheetos

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

@Try2StopME

Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.

@MoistPork

I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestlé Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I’m exhausted.

@AKcrazy18

Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

@Book_Krazy

Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”

Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”