Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

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Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…


[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend


Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.


when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair


Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster


I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display


“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
I like where this is going
Noun me, Graham!
You’re fired


The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.


I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard