@Nawvernburd

Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.

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@djdarrellripley

Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…

@msdanifernandez

[dean tries handing me a diploma as I walk across the stage] I have a boyfriend

@Brianhopecomedy

Give a man a fish and he can eat for a day. Teach a 4 year old how to turn on the TV and you can sleep for an extra hour.

@onthemauve

when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair

@MikeBigby

Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster

@bourgeoisalien

I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display

@thepunningman

[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired

@FilmsWeWant

The Conjuring 3:

Evil spirits torment another single mom & her kids.

The kids torment them back.

They’re better at it.

The spirits flee.

@eleniZarro

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard