Calm down, I’m only asking for your last name because I want to check how well it pairs with the baby names I have picked out for our kids.
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Need tips on making something look like an accident.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
New tinder profile pic
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Guys! I finally dusted my bedroom! And guess what? I HAVE A NIGHTSTAND!!!
ME: hmm…tastes like chicken
MORTICIAN: get out
[the Savannah]
Lion: “Why is that lion all on his own? And why is he wearing crocs?”
Leslie Nielsen: “He has no pride. And he has no pride.”
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
The true crime urge to leave clear fingerprints everywhere you go, just in case
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
Did you know that McDonald’s once sold a burger named after the Hamburglar? It was discontinued however because the meat was too robbery.
Doctor: Do you have any allergies?
Me: Cats.
Doc: I meant allergies to medications.
Me: Do they make medications from cats?
Doc: No.
Me: Then no.
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom