Calm down people who start work immediately when they get into work. Just calm down.
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Probably the worst thing you can do to a person is leave them a voicemail.
Yes, autocorrect. That’s right. I wash clothes in my washington machine.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
*wants space*
*eats Milky Way*
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
tv: low volume
tv: volume jacked up for 6 seconds
[when I watch tv & eat chips]
Very proud of how these turned out. I bought them from a store like a normal person.
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
Me: Something is fishy here
Red herring: *acts very casual
How funny!
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
#inspiration #foodforthought
1998: stop playing pokemon and go outside
2016: stop playing pokemon and come inside
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.