Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
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Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
If you’re intermittent fasting and only eating one meal a day, that meal can be cake, right?
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
I may be small, but so is a grenade.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
My ex-wife and I broke up over religious differences. I was agnostic and she was Satan.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
[1st date]
HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?
ME: OMG SAME
HER: What part’s ur fave?
ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo
“I deleted that tweet because I’ve really grown as a writer in the past 7 minutes and it’s just not up to my current standards”
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.