Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

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My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”


They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*



I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.



“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?


Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.


“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches


Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.


I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”


I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.