@Crunch11b

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.

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@Marlebean

My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”

@Marlebean

They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…

*walks up to guy in minivan*

“Sup?”

@MarlaCaceres

I have photos of myself with my ex boyfriends all over my home. My husband likes it cause he says it’s part of my history.

@psybermonkey

[Afterlife]

“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”

“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”

Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?

@PyrBliss

Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.

@DearAnyone

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

@TheThomason

Fun way to make someone question everything: comment “you are so brave” on all their selfies.

@Parkerlawyer

I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”

@Travon

I’m opening a restaurant called “It doesn’t matter, whatever you want” since every girl alive wants guys to take them there.