Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
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OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
I bought satin sheets and satin pajamas. When I went to jump into bed I ended up in my neighbors garage.
Nothing brings me more joy than watching my cats walk across sleeping family members.
When you’re asleep, you aren’t even a person to them.
Or when you’re awake.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
[at my funeral]
puppeteer looks over at my wife: I’m so sorry, it was in his will
[i sit up in the casket]
*Takes ex girlfriend’s poem on Antiques Road Show*
Sir these are worthless
*Winks at camera*
Told you Karen!
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
All I’m saying is the babysitters club made me think taking care of kids would be a lot more fun
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
DOG: where do you go every day?
OWNER: to work
DOG: i don’t know what that is, but sounds sad
CAT: you leave? really?
Honestly I don’t think I have any more new passwords left in me. You wanna steal my identity? Go ahead, I hope you enjoy debt and terrible posture.
An email so annoying, you wanna return the computer to the store.
Twinkle, twinkle little star
How I wonder where you are
If you’re not so very far
After work, let’s hit the bar
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
“you recording!?”