Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
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Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
My husband knew I’d never wear slippers because that’s where spiders lay their eggs and he still married me so I think that makes him the weirdo
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey