Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
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Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
Her: You should drink in moderation
Me: Moderation?You makin words up?
H: You’re gonna piss on my lawn again aren’t you?
M: …In moderation
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]
doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI
TI’s daughter: a what
doctor: UTI
TI: no I’m TI
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
The rebound person you start flirting with post breakup really gets annoying real fast and that’s unfortunate for them
🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
I’m quitting modelling, I need more job security so I’m going to become a princess.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
If a company’s hiring sign says, “Come grow with us,” you’re about to do the work of 3-5 people.
I’ve already had 3 people ask if I have enough wine to last me through the hurricane. Beginning to think I may have a reputation.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
[2287 AD]
Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*