Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
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No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
[McDonald’s drive thru]
ME: i’d like a happy meal with a coke
HIM: will that be a regular coke or an eight ball?
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
Instead of meeting any new people I would much rather un-meet the ones I already know.
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Sure, everyone thinks a chubby dude in a diaper shooting people with a bow & arrow is cute until I do it at Starbucks & please send bail.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
My husband sent me a text using just emojis and it’s weird, you would think he would know by now that I don’t even like eggplant.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Me *pointing gun* give me all your money
Bank teller: um that’s a water pistol
Me *aiming at her mouth* I’ve filled it with La Croix
Bank teller: you want it in 20s or
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
If by loaded the dishwasher you mean did I just take eleven shots of tequila, then yes, the dishwasher is loaded
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
You don’t know humility until your Ouija board gets snippy with you.
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
*waits for a sign*
*dead bird falls from sky*
*waits for another, better sign*
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.