“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
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I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Tempting fate by recklessly eating salsa in my tennis team shirt an hour before I need to leave for my son’s tournament.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
I broke my tool for painting Easter decorations. I’m having an egg shell stencil crisis.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I’d like to live in a small town where they still do festivals, play fun games and raffles, bake pies and other delicious food, and sacrifice to the Gods..
Golf fans be like “what’s your favorite club?”. It’s chicken, my dude, followed by soda
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
My wife said something about being interested in swinging, so last night I did a 55 minute PowerPoint presentation on all the info I found online.
Her: how about you just fix the kids swing in the backyard like I asked
I changed my phone ringtone to the doorbell sound bc I don’t answer that either.
Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don’t have to do that but I still also do that?
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.