Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Fashion designers: What do you want?

Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable

Fashion designers: we don’t do magic

[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”

Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice

I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.

Twitter dot com. *sigh*

tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.

I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.

If I had a nickel for every time I got confused, I’d be like “where’d this nickel come from?” and then there’d be another nickel and I’d think “what’s with the nickels?” leading to more nickels and confusion and eventually I’d be slowly crushed by nickels without ever knowing why

Crickets are really loud for something that gets eaten by everything

as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default

Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

Notes to self:
1. Open a rug store. Call it Carpet Diem.
2. That’s stupid; don’t do that.
3. Stop writing notes to yourself like a lunatic.

Why is it that everything in my fridge eventually goes to waist?

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

*walks outside*

Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.

*looks around*

*lights BBQ*

*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*

if bowser kidnapped my wife, i wouldn’t ask for a background music, no matter how much fun i’d be having chasing turtles.

Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.

how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram

Husband: Some weirdo broke into the house last night.
Wife: How do you know it was a weirdo?
Husband: They stole all my Bruno Mars drawings.

Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”

I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?

JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.

I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.

Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato

I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.

It’s called “Miso Sad.”

[train station]

Man: hey you.

Woman: Hi.

M: i’m Christian.

W: That’s a pickup line?
*rolls eyes, walks away

M: ugh. i hate my name.

My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.

When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.