Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.
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“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”
My dog: WHY ARE YOU ALL STILL HOME
Anyone know a good air guitar repair man?
I broke mine in the last battle.
Daughter: Dad, did dinosaurs really exist?
Me: Yep.
D: But how can you be so sure of that?
M: I’ve seen them in museums
D: Really!! Didn’t know they had museums when dinosaurs were about.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.
A lot of parenting involves doing really nice things for your kids, and your kids making you regret that decision instantly.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
[Jedi Academy]
Why do you want to be Jedi?[Imagines using ‘the force’ to steal everyone’s cats and building a cat army]
To keep the peace
Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Eventually you have to accept that no matter how many different notebooks you buy, they won’t make you a better writer. For that, you need to spend a lot of money on the right pen.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
*harry walks into snape’s office*
“What is it Potter?”
*closes and locks door*
“I miss you”
“Harry…”
*puts finger on snape’s lips*
“Shhhhh”
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Lightly used fish tank for sale on eBay.
Does not contain three goldfish ghosts.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.
uncle dave has been through hell
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Coworker: can I talk to you about your Twitter
Me, hand on the fire alarm:
Coworker: I think you’re funny
Me, removing hand from fire alarm: yes
people act like Marie Kondo held them at gunpoint and forced them to burn their books when her suggestions are all things like “maybe throwing out all those expired coupons in your drawer might make your life a little easier? if you love your expired coupons though enjoy them!!”
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.