@Brianhopecomedy

Came back from the doctor and told my wife that I was perfectly healthy and I could’ve sworn she mouthed the word “crap”.

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@perlapell

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

@mellimelle

Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.

@senorwinces

Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.

@goodtimenoel

Boss: What are you doing?

Me: Paperwork and shit

Boss: It looks like you’re on your phone

Me: I said “and shit”

@ShesAllNat

What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

@HatfieldAnne

Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.

@squirrel74wkgn

[texting with new girlfriend]

Her: What are you doing tonight?

Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp

Her: You’re adorable

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?