Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
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Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Google reviews are always so mixed..
Nailed it! #Tekken #King #cosplay
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
I said “Candyman” 5 times into the bathroom mirror and sure enough some woman came out of the stall and screamed at me for being in there.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
2019: Tumblr blinks offline, satisfied, having completed its mission of collecting all existing TV and film footage as GIF files.
10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.
7: Noooooo, it’s booties!
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
[Zoo]
Visitor: “I like that cage labelled ‘World’s most dangerous animal’ and it’s just got a mirror in it”
Zookeeper: “Yup, thought-provoking stuff. *Whispering into phone* The leopard’s escaped again”
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
According to my teenage sons the appropriate number of squirts of Axe Body Spray is somewhere between 38 and 579.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
meeting mom’s new boyfriend for the first time and I’ll be looking for the first possible opportunity to scream “UR NOT MY REAL DAD” then slam a door
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: then can I give some feedback?
me: I told you no
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
Boss “I’m looking for a volunteer.”
Me *chops off own legs “I can’t!”
Co-worker “I’m busy, sorry.”
Me “damn, that’s a better excuse.”
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.