Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
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My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
constantly working on myself.
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
The point of your 20s
Dad: No wonder your Twitter account wasn’t hacked
Me: You weren’t worried?
Dad: Not at all, you’re not nearly interesting enough for the hackers
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Me; Right, some revision?
Son: K
Me: Start with chemistry?
Him: K
Me: Periodic table?
Him: K
Me:What’s the symbol for potassium?
Him: Dunno
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name
I think college costs are so high because at that point parents are willing to pay anything to get their kids out of the house.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Education is vital
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
The security camera at work has “too many instances” of me acting like a dinosaur on film. And “any amount” is “too many.” According to HR.
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
keep reaching for the stars, kid: