CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
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9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
Thigh gap? Give me some corduroy pants and I’ll start a fire.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
[the creation of nostalgia]
GOD: ok give the children all the happy feelings
ANGEL: okay
GOD: now as they age don’t let them recreate those feelings
ANGEL: uh—
GOD: make them hyper aware that they once had something they’ll never have again
ANGEL: dude what is your problem
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Follow me for more life hacks.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
*puts on kevlar vest, gloves and steel toe boots*
*Heads into Costco on a Saturday*
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I’m a comedian the way a potato is a battery
[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
For the record, riding my unicycle to the bank robbery was a terrible idea.