[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
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My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
Him: *looking at 6 empty paper towel rolls, maple syrup, spoons, and a tennis racket on the floor*
What happened?!
Me: There was a spider.
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
People on Twitter trying to one-up you in the comments like:
“Oh, someone close to you died? Well I’m in the process of saying my last wor-“
What do you call a group of musical killer whales?
An orca-stra.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it’s supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
My kid when he’s in trouble will be like wow you make the best water it’s so wet like I don’t know what he’s doing
Instead of the death penalty they should make prisoners nice and comfortable and then tell them that the remote control is across the room.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Netflix and you sit over there.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
bias laundering edition
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
India launched a rocket to Mars this morning. That’s a heck of a place to put a call centre.
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
ME: [on my deathbed] this is pretty nice
MATTRESS STORE SALESMAN: sir, you can’t die here
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
Using gorilla glue on my next relationship
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
hate playing make believe with little kids. u shoot them with a laser and theyre like “actually i went back in time so it doesnt count”. tf are u talking about. u just casually rip open a hole in the space-time continuum? thats irresponsible as shit pal
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.