Cameraman here. If I’m in the newsroom during a live news broadcast I ring my mates and they get their kids to watch, as I tell them to look at the newsreader’s shoulder, at which point I stand up and magically appear in the background. The kids love it.
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2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Store policy: You break it you buy it.
Cat policy: you by it you break it.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
i usually decompose after work rather than decompress
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
I swatted at a bee today and my daughter called me a buzzkill.
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
I should have seen this breakup coming…. The nicest thing she ever said to me was,
“Oh wow, that car almost hit you.”
I like slipping notes into suggestion boxes saying things like “send for help, i’m stuck in this suggestion box”
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…