[campfire]
And that’s when he realized… HE FORGOT TO ENABLE WIFI AND WATCHED 5 SEASONS USING HIS DATA PLAN
[everyone screams in terror]
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It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
[flirting at Taco Bell]
Trouble opening that sauce packet? Let me help.
[seconds later]
Let me help you get that sauce out of your hair.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
“Everyone says they’re voting for Clinton or Trump, but I’m voting for Regina George because she got hit by a bus.”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
“I got expelled”
How?
“I wrote 2+2=41 on the whiteboard”
Ok that’s dumb but-
“So my prof told me to go back up there…”
Oh no
“and rub 1 out”
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad
Me: so happy music makes me happy
Therapist: yea
Me: and sad music makes me sad
Therapist: yea
Me: and I’m sad
Therapist: yea
Me: therefore I should listen to sad music
Therapist: so close
If you don’t fall in love with me, I’ll write poetry about you and then you’ll regret it.
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
Me: Haha hate it when I walk into a room and then forget what I came in for.
Executioner: Seriously these are your last words?
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
the main thing dating apps have taught me is that there are towns within 20 miles of me that I’ve somehow never heard of
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face