[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
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When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Friend: hey man can you recommend a good book to prepare us for having a toddler?
Me: yeah try the Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde.
It’s called crossfit because you’re really mad that you’re doing it
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
I knew orcas were bad news when one splashed me with water at Sea World in 1987.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
Accidentally opened the Facebook app and now I’m in three pyramid schemes.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
I get it, you have a philosophy degree, but I just want you to make my latte, not wax poetic about life, okay Baristotle? Extra foam please.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
Dating Tips
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.Please. I am 36 and live with 2 guinea pigs.
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?
Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot
Me: Did you end it early?
Date: No I wanna finish this dessert
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Cop: i told you this land is off limits
Me: oh i thought you said it was all flimits
Cop: wtf are flimits
Me: idk let’s go look
Cop: ok