[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
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We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
I cleaned the house last month and it’s already dirty again. Life is SO unfair.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Fun things 2 say 2 men:
Turn that frown upside down. Make ur mouth don’t face south. Have ur lips do some flips. Make that sneer disappear.
If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Lost my job at Tree Humpers anonymous for asking if everyone was ‘logged in’
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Cop: spread’em!
Me: *frantically starts buttering bread*
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.