Camping tip: No.
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You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”
My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”
I’m so hungry that I can eat a Centaur
[on a date]
me: so anyway…i just don’t understand mass murderers. whatever happened to quality over quantity?
him: CHECK PLEASE
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
Website: Are you a robot?
Me: *sighs* Man, if only.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
[restaurant]
WAITER: [brings bill]
ME: I got this
DATE: Thanks
ME: [gets out piggy bank]
[hits it w/ hammer]
[it is filled w/ bees]
ME: RUN
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Clown Uber driver:
Get in! We have room for one more.
Not everyone in my family follows Apple news, my sister included
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.