[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
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Me: The door’s locked
Salt: Push it
Me: It’s locked
Pepa: Push it
Me: That won’t work, think of something else
Salt:
Pepa:
Salt:
Pepa:
Both: Push it real good?
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: is there a doctor on board
ME: *standing up to get skittles from the overhead bin but now everyone is staring at me* yes i’m a doctor
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
*feeding 2 stray dogs spaghetti*
WTF KISS ALREADY
I would love to be British. Drinking my leaf water and staring at a huge clock from my red phone booth, adding extra letters to wourds.
My 7-year-old daughter asked me twice today “what poison would kill someone the fastest?” and now I’m wondering if I’ve underestimated her.
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
baker: making perfect baked goods is all about precise measurements
me: cool can i get a dozen muffins pls?
baker: sure thing *hands me 13 muffins*
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber