[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
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Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
My wife complained I never buy her flowers. She should look at her prices, there’s a much more competitively priced florist just up the road
Can you even call yourself a family if you’re not making at least one person upset with what you’re serving for dinner?
My 4yo just came up to me and said “daddy, there are some things you don’t know” and then walked away. I don’t know if I should be offended or frightened.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
Face down, ass up, that’s the way I like to… get the stupid cat toys out from underneath all of my furniture.
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
I just know Amazon drivers be like.. THIS HOUSE AGAIN ???
purposely bought tall lace up boots so I’ll never have to be anywhere on time again
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Overheard two American tourists as they walked past the chemist: “I didn’t know New Zealand had pharmacies. I didn’t even know they had medicine.”
I am having an out of money experience.
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
me: I pour my blood, sweat, and tears into every dish
health inspector: so you see why this is happening
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Help is a magic word.
Say it to people & watch them disappearing from the horizon of your life.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint