[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
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I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Doctor: You can’t drink while on these meds.
Me: Wanna bet?
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Playdates were invented to force parents to clean their home
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
*Walks into puppy store wearing a large trenchcoat*
*Hurries out of puppy store in a much tighter-fitting trenchcoat*
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
road rage
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
It’s important to remember where you parked the get away vehicle.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
I forgot the word “vibrate” so I said I’d set my phone to purr.
[APARTMENT KITCHEN]
GUY: *pouring cooking grease down the drain* i know i shouldn’t, but what do I care, i rent
[SUBTERRANEAN LAIR OF RAT PEOPLE]
RAT KING: *grease drops on his head* that man-thing is the first to die-die
RAT WORKERS: *about to breach the surface* yes-yes
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.