Can America keep it down?
Canada needs to work on Monday.
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This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
Why is lumberjack the only job with some random guy’s name attached? Why aren’t plumbers called, like, toiletdougs? Or crapperjoels?
Love this young dude soundtracking his Mum’s life with his trombone.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I sneezed so many times I can now hear the color blue
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Religious rituals and prayers sound really creepy when you replace “Jesus” with “Jeff”
Pass gas, not judgment.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
I love medieval baby paintings because they either look like a baby who has done crossfit since birth or that creepy middle aged dude who sells drugs at the end of my street
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
For eggplant your guests will love, lightly brush with olive oil, toss in the air and blast that bad boy with your ankle piece.