Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
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911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
*sales call
Sales Rep: Trust me sir, I’m giving you the best deal..
Me: Ofcourse I trust you, we’ve been talking since 2 minutes, feels like forever
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
me: you remind me of my college boyfriend
husband: you never told me about him
me: we just started dating. he’s a junior
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
Me: god you’re sexy
Her (sultry whisper): I’ll bet you say that to all the women
Me (sultry whisper): not my mom
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
A friend cut me from their family Christmas card mailing list, do I send a thank you card or…
A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
Truthful Tuesday. I don’t understand string theory or open faced sandwiches.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Me: Time for school.
5-year-old: But we had three days off.
Me: So?
5: I can’t go back. I forgot everything.
Teachers don’t get paid enough.