Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]

GOD: a rat dog

ANGEL: check

GOD: that whispers to white people

ANGEL: what?

GOD: about the weather

ANGEL:

wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}

Damn girl, are you an old ATM touchscreen? ‘Cause I’m pushing ALL the wrong buttons.

Lmao

captain: hand in your gun

me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger

Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.

Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.

Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.

something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning

When you and your ex had plans to get married and now you both have each other blocked on everything

BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels

what kind of cook setting is this??

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.

There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.

The cool thing about being broke is you can tell your friends you aren’t drinking for a while & they think you’re getting your shit together

Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs

I make sure I throw any vegetables offered to me across the room to make a point.

Stands at the gates of hell.

Waves to my mother in law.

Leaves.

Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”

Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*

Wife: …you took out the trash

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?

Sony Playstation

If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz

HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime

ME: I can change Becky

HER: promise?

ME: into a semi truck

My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

Me: I have an imaginary gf.

Therapist: U can do better than that.

M: I know, it’s just–

T: I was talking to her.

Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.