Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
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[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
*Crawls into bed, hides under the covers in foetal position*
Wife: What’s wrong? Did you only get four stars in a Just Dance song?
Me: it was hard
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
Prince Charming: check out the babe
Doc: oh that’s Snow White, she’s dead
Prince Charming: I should kiss her
Doc: do you really think that might bring her back to life?
Prince Charming: bring her what now?
my cat was hiding under my bed like a paranoid weirdo so I put his bowl under there and he spurned it all day long & I forgot about it and of course I just awoke to the terrifying sound of an animal devouring something under my bed
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business
this came to me in a vision
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
What?!?
literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
We skipped the hour where I was supposed to exercise. Oh well, Maybe next year.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
Him: “You’re not like other girls”
My anxiety and insecurity: “Told ya”
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
I was bit by a radio active spider so now I wear a rubber suit, swing around like a monkey and use karate, you know, like a spider.
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
Hiring Manager: Your resume is impressive but what experience do you have in the field?
Me: Frolicking, stopping to smell the roses- typical field stuff sir
Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.