Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
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I still can’t believe Aldi sells these for 25 cents. I’ve got 8 of them now and don’t really even have a use for them, it was just too good of a deal to pass up.
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
I may be 37, but I feel 25…when I look at my finances:
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
“Dad, can I go to the renaissance festival?”
ME: No, you’re still grounded
“No fair!”
ME: Yes, that’s what I said
the noise i just made
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
You can put refrigerator magnets on your car, too. There are no rules.
Million dollar idea: Selling shower heads at the exit of a Ryan Gosling movie
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Why should I have to take a first aid course? Why is this on me? Why don’t you take a “how to eat sandwiches without choking” course?
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.