Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
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*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Me: *patting my wife’s belly* we have something to tell you
Her Mom: what?
Me: *patting her mom’s belly* I have a new disorder that makes me do this
Her Dad: are you serious?
Me: *patting his belly* yes
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”
ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?
6yo, looking at a cemetery: WAIT HOW CAN THEY ALL DIE IN ONE SPOT
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
I came across 3 snakes while mowing the yard today, but those of you in North America already know that because you heard me scream
Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.
There’s this guy at work who’s always putting on a sweatshirt. No one’s ever seen his face.
My Grandma’s church was odd
in that they worshipped paintings.Very weird.
Every week they would stand up
and sing “How Great Thou Art”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
It would be so much less cinematic if they remade The Crow but it was a movie called The Seagull and it’s just a guy who runs about screaming for no reason and steals people’s food.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!