Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off

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ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now


*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”


ME (drunkenly picking a fight with a cake): get out my face you jerk
CAKE: hey pal you wanna piece of me?!?
ME: ok wow now I’m conflicted


bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road

guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!

bouncer: oh sorry, 2 minutes down the road


Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.


Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
*I turn out the lights and leave


Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house


I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.


Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?