Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Superhero Origins
Spider-Man: bit by radioactive spider
Iron Man: bit by radioactive iron
Hawkeye: bit by radioactive hawk right in the eye

Glad the lady in front of me decided at the last second to stop at the yellow light as I prefer to eat my fries from the dashboard.

At my funeral there will be cake so people aren’t disappointed like me at this cake-less funeral

You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.

I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

Me: i’ll have a Dr.Pepper

Waiter: is Mr.Pibb ok?

Me: is he a doctor?

The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check

Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt

[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them

My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?

Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.

This can never not be funny 😭😭

I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.

The best part about pooping with the bathroom door open in the morning is being able to see everyones face at Starbucks.

earth: I’m dying

humans: I’m sorry you feel that way

Oh no, my kid got upset at me and locked himself in his room. What ever will I do. Margarita anyone?

I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.

Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.

Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.

Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.

in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism

My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.

This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.

Her: I love a tough guy

Me: I’ve got some scars

Her: Ooh. Show me one.

Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.

Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?

Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?

Me: Divorce

I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.

Waiter: pumpkin pie?

Me: ok, …. darling

Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.

Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?

“And I want video games and new shoes and….”

Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!

I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend