Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
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“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
7: Golf is not fun to watch
ME: It is, if you understand the nuances and the context
7: What are nuances and context
Me: Details. Like the scoreboard, the decisions they make
7: They hit a ball, and it goes in–or not
Me:
7: Usually not
Me:
7: They aren’t even good at it.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
If you read enough tweets you can tell the approximate time the tweeter switched from coffee to alcohol
I punched my monitor
Now my hand Hz.
Feet so ugly, you understand why your socks go missing.
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
I took my 5 year old to the office on Take Your Kid to Work Day.
As we were walking around, she started crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong.
As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘mommy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with??
[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Me: Look buddy, I’m not here to play games
Arcade Manager: And that’s exactly why I’ve asked you to leave
I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.