Can Happiness buy money?
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My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
[at a movie theater]
Cashier: Can I help u?
Me: One large cornpop please
C: Sir it’s the other way around
Me: Ok- can I help u?
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
[introducing my new girlfriend to my brothers]
ME: …so basically this is my last day at the monastery
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
My wife dared me to yell out “HURRY UP HAYDEN” at Disney World. Now we have 27 blonde boys & 8 girls following us like Children of the Corn.
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
*Removes ‘Loves to bake’ from online dating profile
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
A face mask and rubber gloves is all you need to wear when you go to mall they said.
I felt a fool.
Everyone else was wearing clothes.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
Okay hear me out.
I cooked up bacon in my cast iron, then made sausage patties in the bacon grease, and THEN made gravy out of the bacon AND sausage grease.
I’d marry me
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
Just had an awful drive home. I was forced to ride side by side with another car for 5 minutes. We managed to avoid eye contact, but still.
😲 WTF? 😆
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.